5 Unmistakable Signs That You’re Not as Young as You Think You Are

jabba-the-hutt-portrait-tall.jpgI’ve never really felt my age. Or, if you talk to some people, acted it.

I often find myself marveling that somebody actually lets me be responsible for other living things. Like my children.

And that I don’t have to like get permission to go somewhere. I can just up and leave. It’s mind-boggling.

Plus, I’ve been lying about my age for so long that I honestly can’t remember how old I am without doing math.

But despite my best efforts and attitude towards aging (I refuse to go gentle into that good night), there are just some things I’ve been finding I can’t deny:

  1. It becomes increasingly difficult to successfully pull your hair up in a ponytail without revealing grays. Or bald spots. And speaking of hair…the strands on your head seem to begin a migration southward. Like to your upper lip, chin and neck.
  2. You no longer have a discernible chin. Whether because of weight gain or loss of skin elasticity, your chin seems to have morphed with your neck. You must take care to not allow profile shots. And never, under any circumstances, take a selfie from below unless you want to draw Jabba the Hutt comparisons.
  3. Weight gain. You just look at a doughnut and gain 10 pounds, which then take you 2 years to lose. When I was younger, I could just work out. Or stop eating bread. Now I have to do all of the things AND give up drinking. Life can be so cruel.
  4. You’re suddenly afraid to skate, ski or walk near puddles for fear of falling and breaking a hip. Not of scraping a knee or breaking an arm. No. Of breaking a hip. Seriously.
  5. Decline in mental acuity and vision. You finally locate your missing phone in the fridge. And you can’t see shit without holding it as far as possible from your face, widening your eyes in a lame attempt to bring things into focus and making a weird face, thereby exacerbating your whole Jabba situation. I never thought I’d need a selfie stick just to be able to read!

I like to tell myself that these are things people just don’t tell you about getting older. But the truth is, they probably did. You just didn’t listen because you thought, somehow, it would never happen to you.

So now that they’re happening, I thought I’d give anyone who’ll listen a heads up. Yes, you can work out and eliminate dairy and processed foods and drink gallons of kombucha. But sooner or later, you will succumb to these signs. And you’ll bitch about how nobody told you.

And then you’ll have to seek solace by reminding yourself that every day above ground is a good day. While you gather up tennis balls to affix to your walker.

Can you relate to any of these? Have any more you’d like to add? Let me know!